Wednesday, 16 November 2016

To do it.

In 5th grade, I wrote a suicide letter.
My teacher found it and called my mother.
Who booked me for therapy.
The doctor, who's name was Ellen (I can never forget), gave me advice that I kept me with me since then.
The next day when I went to class, my teacher pulled me outside and said, "Don't you feel stupid for being suicidal?!"
I guess it was tough love.

But I had my biggest orgasm when I carved my arms.
Years later.

Heroin and I are distant relatives.
He's hard on me.
Just like Mr. Jean-Claude.
But it makes me want to live.

The concept behind the song "Negative Zero" was being so wrapped up in self-loathing that you start to feel good.
But when pleasure comes, you're so below that you want to die.

Happiness is an illusion for me.
Even with SEGA existing (both in my life and in existence), it just makes me want to hurt.
Either myself or an intimidating Black man.
I'm not a fighter.
But I believe in a different kind of warfare.

Too bad women are the casualties.

So I guess the lack of "force" on my debut album makes the album gentle enough for women to consume.
Lyrically, it's some of my darkest work.
It's personal.
It's fun.
And I trust The Invisible Men, so you should be in for a treat.

If you buy it.

Then I have to do it.

The "it" of which Dilla and Halo have mastered making me do.

I love you, Halo!!!
Thank you for your friendship and inspiration.

And Dilla, you mean everything to me.
I just have to focus on me now.

But then, there's mom.

What did my mom know about me that I am just finding out?

I know there's a reason she didn't want me out after a certain hour.
I hope to appreciate it one day.
I hold a lot of resentment towards her.

Reading that just

May God treat my mother fair in Heaven.
She DID have the Holy Ghost (as evidenced by speaking in tongues), was baptized, and, in the religion I grew up in, that's how you get to Heaven.

Unless she was sent to Hell for how she used to treat me.

Unless Eminem is/was the catalyst for me falling out with my mother.
Which would mute me for a while.

Unless my mother is immortal...

~follow the buzzards~

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