I now hang my head in shame.
I (99%) possibly brought a little girl into this world, under the premise that I was in war.
And I wasn't ...well, I loved her mother, but I'm not sure if it was the Lithium IN ADDITION to the fact her mother could've been my DOOM.
Get ready for a real ass blog post.
When I met her mother, I was scared and believed I was being stalked.
She didn't make matters any better.
She was a COMPLETE bitch.
I tried to be friendly when I met her, she just shrugged me off.
When we (eventually) got closer, she was FAR from affectionate.
But when she would open up, she was the sweetest young lady I've ever had the pleasure of flirting with.
When we had sex, the sex wasn't EXPLOSIVE (hint), but I felt that she didn't give such passion to anyone else.
Nor did she want to.
It wasn't about "stroking to get a nut".
The Lithium was giving me erectile issues.
So that, plus the possibility of her being The Watcher (HUGE hint) made my decision to ejaculate inside of her seem brilliant.
However, if she is/was The Good Doctor (aw fuck it; oh well), it would mean we would share a life in the spotlight.
And in the bank.
I didn't want her money.
I did, but I didn't.
I thought I was competing with Jay(-Z) at the time, as well as dodging shots from a newly-affluent Drake and the falling star of Eminem.
Nas was very quiet at the time.
FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I'M CHARLES HAMILTON!!!
THE FUCK I NEED (AMERICAN) CURRENCY FOR?!
To live comfortably in America.
And it didn't look like we (the people) were going to go to Egypt to worship me in a pyramid.
So I looked her in her eyes, casted my soul within her, came, and kissed her deeper than I've kissed any woman.
I was prepared for a future with her.
Prepared for a future.
Prepared for a Future.
For a future.
I was locked up during the time she would've been pregnant.
I got out on the 9th or 10th month.
Which means when I got home, ...well, 2 things.
One, the pussy was gonna get RENOVATED.
Two, I can expect a child.
Well, more than 2 things.
If she didn't get pregnant, I might have had erectile dysfunction as a side effect from Lithium (no joke of a drug).
If she wasn't pregnant, she might have had an abortion.
Something I'm not new to (YouTube).
So when I got home and saw she didn't have a child, I was hurt, yet relieved.
It meant I can focus on making the kind of music I NEEDED to make.
But it also felt like our bond wasn't as deep as Lithium told me it was.
We had a three-way argument between me, her and my mother, in which I broke up with her.
Though I regret the decision, I feel like she could've been more supportive of me.
And more affectionate.
She was like a teenager.
I was grown since day one.
Well, you know what?
Brownie, if you had my baby, you're fucked up for keeping it from me.
And from what the signs are showing me, you had/have a baby girl.
Who is more amazing than I'll ever be.
For many reasons, but the fact she can morph (transform/shapeshift, YOU NAME IT!!!!) makes her 40x the being I am.
And if I'm reading these signs right, she's Desiigner.
I mean, she's Jill from LionBabe, but ...she's Desiigner.
An artist who's pain I can feel.
It ain't mumble rap.
And with my baby girl being Desiigner, I have to be careful with the rage I present through music.
I'm tired of being used.
Baby girl (Danjer), you are half-Jamaican and half-Mauritian.
YOU ARE THE ONLY OF YOUR KIND.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
I wish I could be there for you and tell you everything will be okay.
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
I owe you my life.
And any siblings I should create with another mommy...
I'm not even gonna say that.
I wanna love all my children.
Even this lil Blockbuster (instead of firecracker; hold ya head, Bobby!).
~follow the buzzards~