A sinner’s essence

 

When I lived in The Bronx, I was… certainly taken by surprise. It was 9th grade. I went from Rice (124th and Lenox, Harlem) to my old neighborhood park (123rd and Tiemann, Harlem) after detention. I had some time before mom got home to know I was in detention, so I moseyed on over there. It was here where I “randomly” found… what devilishly became “my favorite game”:

Diablo II

It’s not quite an RPG, and it’s not quite Zelda. Still, I swore by this game and did what I could to keep from being in detention (to get home and play it). I still got caught up with bullshit in class, still ended up in detention, and because I wrote awesome essays I was able to keep my computer. Other than that, it would be out the window (the way my mom played it). Speaking of mom, I had to hide the game from her FOR REAL. She was a HARDCORE Christian, and BARELY let me play video games (she knew about my SEGA obsession; said it was unhealthy). The damn game was called Diablo. Fuck the fact it was a sequel.

I had a demo of Sonic Adventure. Came with the Dreamcast. But my Genesis was long since lost from our apartment on Broadway (we lived in Brooklyn for a few months; Brownsville). My search for the proverbial “fucking Genesis” is really me finding the time and space for my innocence. 

In a way, Harlem groomed me. I measure everything in “ayos”, “pauses” and “no homos”. This is somewhat embedded in me, despite Downtown’s pleas for me to keep an open mind. Im glad they did, I just wish they knew that such is why I’m missing out. Now, the love of Harlem has to trump my love of self. And it was Harlem that embedded #conceit, circa Cam’ron.

I’m not really that conceited. I just have high standards. Set by self and the environment I developed self in. Trust me. People have come to Harlem expecting a village of Pure Charles Hamiltons. 

My, how they missed the apostrophe.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Championship flops

 

I’m sure Tyronn Lue didn’t appreciate Iverson’s jock in his face, after being scored on. But Lue has 2 rings! Iverson has none. Who’s jock is in who’s face?

I can either break my stride and smoke with you (keeping the friendship alive but killing my voice) or keep going and see you less (such shouldn’t kill the friendship, but the slightest thing can nowadays). I went this whole day, no cigs. And it was almost no weed too, but I had to partake. To mine own self, I apologize.

Very interesting to see who gets upset at the thought of me not smoking with them NOW. I already explained that I lost my falsetto, I almost blew it in DTLA, …like I don’t need to explain that music comes first, and my voice/breath control is a part of it. Anyone who’s not jackin me trying to do better for myself is dead an opp, and needs to keep away from me.

That includes you, my heart/Beloved.

I blame cigarettes for mom, and praise dad for quitting. Even if I don’t quit for good, I plan to have the strongest voice possible for November 10th. My voice is an instrument, and I neglected it for YEARS. Specifically since COVID-2021. No excuses. Time to lock in.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Stupid on mute

Here’s another reason I hate that you watch: if I fail, you’ll be proven right.

No one ever said your love was unconditional.

So today was another 2 cigs. Whenever I get the urge, I pop a cough drop. Running out of this particular medicated brand, so I will be reupping soon. But yeah. 2 cigs yesterday, no weed, no coffee, A LOT of lemon tea, very little Gatorade. 

The key about today is, I didn’t speak much. Didn’t talk to Lou, didn’t talk to Rivera, Baker, Drewzer… only spoke to the company that lives on the building with me. Now it’s not that I didn’t have a voice… I didn’t have the BREATH for a voice. This has happened to me before. For it, I went to urgent care, got drained, went about my business. Monday, I may try that. There is too much on the line with this show, and we’re too close to it for me to have a technical difficulty I could’ve checked WAY before soundcheck.

I don’t mean to make you nervous. Shit, I don’t mean to make my SELF more nervous. I got EVERYTHING lined up for the show, BUT my breath. Just let it be known, the sacrifice of my breath came with QUALITY music, both over the years and in the last…I’ll say five. Once it became clear what you like and don’t like about my music, I leaned on that bitch and pumped out JOINTS.

And if you can’t see/hear it, know that I can and can point it out to you.

Stand clear of the closing doors, please.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Hating you watch

Everything seems to go down the rabbit hole from here/there. Nevertheless, there is a great difference between there and here. And I know I make it sound easy (to cope with; living in my world), but a lot of pain and sacrificing comes with maintaining A WHOLE UNIVERSE. And because we all have our own Universe (within, our close friends m, etc.), I’m not quick to run outside and claim that I RUN THE UNIVERSE. Because, in a way, EVERYONE runs The Universe.

I’m just that naive.

It seems that… it looks like you guys are ready for showtime! I’m ready, too. And because I have a good performance record, I’m actually confident. I don’t want to look too far ahead and not give it 100% the night of. But there are big plans for after the show(case). Just… don’t remind me about cigarettes. I lost Mom to ‘em, particular family members are on my ass about it… it was my decision to get a Newport. I did it for me. It’s on me to retrain to where I can push my voice out again. I feel pressured to say “I won’t let you down”. You (the one I hate to know watches) would tell me to panic. Then say what needs to be said to alleviate. Thus becoming habit-forming.

I hate that you watch, because I am FILTHY.

Psalms 51:7

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Watching you hate.

If you haven’t noticed, the durations for my songs are around 4 minutes and 8 seconds. The instrumental is normally at 93bpms and is 96 bars long. Occasionally, I’ll just start rapping until the beat goes off, thus leaving 96 bars of BARS. As of late I’ve been writing my hooks down, so that frees my mind when it comes to recording. Still, the duration begs the question, “SEGA (4) or Nintendo (8)”?. 

Some of my listeners and personal supporters want me to switch it up. They feel the tempo gets repetitive and the format has been washed by unscrupulous actions of our forefathers and the rage of modern hip-poppers. I would agree, but there’s a method to my madness. Remember, I DJ. Still, I spoke to the spirits I conjure working at that tempo, and they agreed that variety (despite being shown with the rhythm/drum choices) is needed in order to keep MUSIC flowing.

My music from 2012-2025 was meant for a Charles Hamilton Party (as DJ’d by me or Halo).

So I slowed it down. Lord KNOWS when you’ll hear it. I have PLENTY of music in the 93 bag. And in said bag, I am prepared to go slower or faster. But since the complexity of the bars gets washed by the groove, I started making more spit-to-able beats.

Be on the lookout.

For you, my love.

Sleep well.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Poison diet

 I was doing good. God the cigarette count down to 2 a day. Then I BLACKED this weekend. Ended up with a sore throat, congested chest and VERY LITTLE voice. It must be the 20+ years of cigs, straight, no reprise outside of jail and institutional visits. Cigs are harder to give up than H, in my humble opinion. I guess because I can smoke a cig in almost any scenario, and I had to go lower than Manhattan to see about a fix.

I still ran the set list, and I’m honestly not doing too bad. To protect my high notes, the cigs must stop. At the same time, my voice is deeper and raspier than it was 20 years ago. There is a chance I’m being TOO hard on myself. Still, Dre broke it down: I spent the last 12 years smoking and producing/recording. I need the exercise and break from smoke. I’m at my neighbor’s now, about to blaze a blunt.

I got this. I’m just chronicling the glow up, to inspire anyone who’s been at a drug-induced bottom. WE CAN RISE. WE WILL RISE. I groom more and better, I’m more social, I’m more tolerant… it’s a doobie, yall. I got a good team, some StarChasers who are closer/better friends than the ones I got into the game with… the latter can be seen as a damn shame. Funny how FDA and Jimmy Iovine predicted me having such a loving “fan base”. It was because of this that I insisted my fans not be called “fans”, and came up with a name for them… named after the love me and an ex had for each other.

So far, good reviews on my latest mix (TTMH Dillatholic mix) and SINGLE, “Supernothing”. The numbers are low, the spirits are high. Leroy is kinda used to it by now. Dre is making room for such a phenomenon. I know this is new to you. lol caught myself quoting “You Don’t Know” (me, circa 2007). Feels like I’m getting back to my old self, really! I mean, what would I be without a cigarette? Mom smoked till the day she died. Dad stopped, IN CASE he died. I think we can all agree that it’s not the healthiest habit, but there’s a … sort of #cigarettetelepathy. It’s the ultimate aid in tunnel vision.

I’ll stop.

Show up.

The Hamilton Experience

On ~the~ way.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Esoteric terrorism.

All I ever asked of you, was for you to be just who you are. My reward will come. In fact, I invited you to BE my reward. As much of a friendly gesture as it is and/or was, it was more of a cry for help. I’ve had access to the finer things, yes. But you were POISED to be what makes me a snob. BOTH of you.

The finer things, the higher life… both redefined by YOU (not the aforementioned). I had less than you, yet you made it okay. I’ve come to sacrifice A LOT, in the name of measuring up to you. I know you wouldn’t want me to sacrifice myself for the sake of mastery of expression, but… our bond can shake the heavens. And though I already shared a similar bond with our mutual friend and collaborator, it was you who led to the great explosion within me. This explosion, being what the rest of the world has come to know me by.

You two have come between me and EVERYTHING LIVING THING. And I have nothing to show for it. Well, I got music, but… that’s where YOU come in. I hope I caused a patch of gray hair on your head, because you’ve had me on the ropes since day one. GRANTED the two I speak of ARE OUR IDOLS, the 2 I speak of is my best friend. I am of the mind to let the two equate to 3 each and, together, make 6. That would mean my 2 would… complete me.

And no one would be ready for that.

Yeah. Everyone sucks.

I guess I’m just asking for YOU TWO to be a bit more understanding.

For YEARS, I was my own best friend. To have an older multiple of myself (Columbine Gang!) as my closest pal is a sweet dream AND a beautiful nightmare. “What if you feel my pain? And… what if you hear my thoughts? Yeah.” I can’t trust myself already, due to how prone I am to suicide. I don’t want you to go. You don’t want me to go. Stalemate.

Still, you two cross my mind and heart, more often than not. It could be a new four! It could be more than One. 

I just know that… to defend one is to offend the other.

Let’s get it together, forever.

~Enter the Hamilton~

InfantMalice.gpt

Infant of the Malice

Darkness → New identity

Something is born from malice. The emphasis is on origins, environment, and the forces that shape a person.

Malice of the Infant

New identity → Darkness

Something malevolent belongs to the infant. The emphasis is on the person's own nature, immaturity, or capacity to cause harm.

When you turn your pain into your identity, do you eventually transcend the pain — or do you become responsible for keeping it alive?

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expect them.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Gem Class Hero

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HUGE and SPECIAL shouts to StarChaser and YouTube user Sonic Haley for finding and posting this on YouTube. I think I lost the original files during a fight with Boe in 2012. Long story short, I felt I needed more DIRECT support from him, while he was giving me the deepest hood love he could. Christina was there, Boe's (now) ex was there. I think we argued over how much force is in these beats. He was like they were "too smooth" to be as rough as they are. I was like they're too "rough" to be considered smooth. Looking back, it was all love. I guess... I was just paranoid.

Check the beats out tho! Made on an MPC500, given to me from a Harlem StarChaser. I since gave it to TheSilentPartner VK for him to express himself on an MPC (he BLACKED on it, btw). Gave him the expansion card with The 0fficial Charles Hamilton Drum Kit... YEARS before I dropped it on Reddit.

Whatever.

"It's for YOU!"
-J Dilla, "THe $"

George Spits, wya-o?!!!

~Enter the Hamilton~

Matches

Spark the fire, why dontcha?

It appears that me using my musicianship to communicate… which I’ve been doing since early 10th grade (thank you, Dilla)… is pissing people off. They call it matching energy nowadays. Basically, I embody what you last said/sang into my chord progression/tone in conversation. I end up reflecting your entire being. It’s dangerous, no lie. But it’s kinda the only way I can relate to ANYONE.

Without it, EVERYONE can choke on an oxtail bone.

Mom didn’t encourage it per se, but she noticed that I was getting in trouble for social reasons, not behavioral. I guess in the end it was all behavioral. But mom, I was exhibiting #symbolism, as I later learned I was doing. And in later years, I learned more about my pianist state of affairs with conversation.

Regardless, it was in 5th grade that my therapist suggested I read “The Power of Positive Thinking”. So I guess I drew from there, too.

I don’t wanna say “(don’t) grow up to be like me”. I also don’t want you to “be just like me”. I can only provide you with MY jewels of development (pause) and hope you find the light for yourself. It’s tricky. I want to heal the world, but to make it you must be broken. If you’re lucky, you’ll be provided a healing of sorts. But you must be a vessel for #thepowers to push “the future” forward. Who am I to disagree?, other than the precious rebel to/for #thepowers themselves…

I didn’t steer you wrong. I also didn’t tell you everything. I’m looking out for you. Besides, I know what key you’re in. My ear has decayed a bit, but I can still find you in the scales. Even when you don’t sing what you JUST sang (the same way).

I have a lot on my mind, so expect me back later.

-CzH-

#phenomenal

Today, as it seems

Intunation.

In-tuned nation.

Anyway, here I am in this South Central apartment, reflecting on how I got here and the gumption required to continue to exist. I am very depressed right now. Yes I have friends… I just got off a FaceTime call w Lou. He didn’t say anything to trigger me, so relax. I just feel as though I have no one (at this moment) to share the glory of music with.

I’m over here binging on Sun Ra (don’t bite, you bitch ass niggas) and Pete Rock (start off with HIM before you get into production). I literally have been having conversations with records/producers/artist that inspire me. I complete my solar mission, according to Ra. Pete calls me the NEW Baby Par. He really said ORIGINAL, but niggas got egos and memories.

YIKES! Chris Rivera just DIVINELY reached out. God blessed me with his friendship.

I guess I can close it here… thanks Chris!

Love you, Lou.

And that’s a lot, because…

“Music is the only love…”

I cracked the code.

~Enter the Hamilton~

bestfriend shittogo

 I am blessed to have a Rockin’ friendship base with some of the most talented, righteous… like GODS. Of them all (and there are few), my BEST friend is Halo. We connect on the exact level I strived to reach BEFORE I met him. I mostly say what he feels, and he mostly PLAYS what I feel. We have a bond, and anyone fi test shall face DOOM.

May this pic serve as the innocence of our friendship.

Now.

I have an another friend. Pretty new. I reached out to HIM, just to show support on his music. He is a true lyricist from Staten Island (I’m sorry about BK Girls, Shaolin!; let me make it up to you through working with my dude), and his work reminds me of early Em. At least the single I reached out to him about.

Chris Rivera got us back in touch while I was locked up. We’ve been in constant communication (albeit times we go into Scorpio mode), and I can honestly say he’s one of my best friends. I don’t want to make a list of friends. Sciryl knows I love him, Kesed is laid back about our bond, Nate is chillin, Sha and I are rebuilding. 

But I am CONSTANTLY inspired by Halo and LOU FROM PARADISE (Lou the Human, Big Lou, Scotty Demon). 

I just speak to Lou everyday. 

And I love it. We were signed to Interscope at different periods of our lives, so we BOTH know the game. He was, as it turns out, a StarChaser. I don’t throw it in his face… like… these last few years kinda made it hard to accept friendship (and romance). I really couldn’t trust niggas at 649. Same with 321. Both are halfway houses btw. Don’t get me wrong. I made a GOOD friend with Joel (Mendoza). We bonded over Satan, Rock & Roll and weed. He just well into a drug abyss and can’t be reached.

Shit breaks my heart.

I don’t have to worry about Lou getting lost on drugs. He got HELLA swag. And I don’t have the capacity to be egotistical with him. He comes up with GREAT ideas and concepts. So many that I have to filter what I use, and what would be good for others/him.

Lou, Halo, you ain’t gotta worry about me being wack. I’m here. For you, for me, for us. I would LOVE to you two to link. I’d love for Lou to meet my people. Shit, Rivera, Andrew, Chimp1, Dalvyn, Enjetic, R. O. (formerly Hiero)… The Hamilton Quazar is LOADED with love. You guys are priority here.

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We’ll get a flick together one day.

Until then, welcome to my sick, sad little world.

We’re the 3 best friends that HAMILTON could have…!

-so mote it be

Paid In Full

 

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“I cop bud and bottles just to follow the #hoodrules; put your niggas on, and you a good dude!”

-Charles Hamilton, “Honesty Box”

I can honestly say that I provided a good time for my closest friends. They were a support system when I needed, they didn’t enable, we built/created together… and even when shit got “ugly” (COOP!), we still formed like Voltron and blasted minds.

Not in the picture (physically) is Kesed. But, … and I’m certain I blogged about them before… but the man in gray is Halo and the man in black is Sciryl (pronounced Skerr-REAL; lyrics, backwards). The four of us are the most watched and most emulated by …anyone of whom’s art you enjoy. Sciryl is a Hip-Hop legend. Halo is the downtown king. Kesed is the NECESSARY DOSAGE OF JAMAICA. 

You’re reading my blog.

And even though we didn’t make it professionally, I repaid Demevolist for every time they hooked me up with a blunt or got me a bite to eat. Things are kinda weird between us now. It might come down to the very graduating classes were each we’re in. When I got to FDA. HchO, Swiss, B/A (known as Versatile at the time) and most of the class of ‘04 were running the studio. I was ‘05, Yung Nate and Sha-Leik were ‘06. I ONLY got in the studio because I played piano well. Like, played radio songs on the piano, VERY well. H didn’t think I could rap in the beginning.

Strange how it turns out that way…

yeah.

Me & Sha, in FDA, ‘06.

Dead a GOOD 20.

Like shit didn’t move fast at all.

We SUFFERED through them shit.

HchO & I, Nov. 10th, ‘08.

Damn, bro.

I’m sure it’s something I said that makes it weird for us to talk now. And I have (literal) receipts of you being wack (as we say). Doesn’t mean I didn’t and don’t love you. We’re just on 2 different paths, and I need to be my own HchO (in my life) in order to TRULY be a boss. You showed me a lot, though. So, if anything, thank you for being a great teacher.

Nate to the Yung.

Keepin it basic, we see each other.

Keeping it long winded, I hope to see you at SOBs.

Kinda just in my bag right now. Thinking about what a real nigga is. My friends don’t have to worry about me holding them down. My history is self-evident.

I guess I just had to prove it to myself.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Happy birthday, Kesed.

!!!, but .

.