Unapologetic??

I really used to not give a fuck... at.. all. I was chasing after more females than The Pink Lavalamp attested to (they were bars, just between me and the ladies in question), did more drugs than I admitted to, made more and better friends on "the outside" than I can stand to forget... stole money from family, ...that's kinda the main thing I'm up tripping about. I didn't have to STEAL. Bad enough I was lying to get the money. No one knew where I was going with the paycheck I would get from working for my uncle. No one knew where I got the drugs from. Fucking, NO ONE KNEW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT IN MY MUSIC, *BACK THEN*. It was all based on hallucinations and crazy days that no one would believe happened. So I stopped talking and started using more. Around The Pink Lavalamp, when I dumbed down my lyrics and talked about people I knew in common, was when it started to click.

Dumbing down my lyrics... and there is still HEAVY density in TPL... is why I kinda resent the album. I don't feel it expressed my intelligence the way my modern music does. In fact, I will say, from 2014-now, my intelligence has come clear through in my music. Before it was witty and inspirational, despite being dark and fearful. Now, I face whatever fear and darkness I project by ...quite simply standing up to the voices in my head. They tell me I'm not good enough. They tell me to go back to (insert album here) in order to regain the prominence I once had. They tell me to write another (insert song here) in order to go viral. It's not clear that a piece of media blowing up HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CONENT. And if I've outgrown said album or song on a personal front, I can only submit such growth with the same "blowing up" device and ...see. 

In order to manage myself (in general and BETTER), I had to learn how to give a fuck. So, since Leila challenged me to apologize to people in my life I never got the chance to, I'ma start here. 

• Grandma, I'm sorry I used to use in your basement, and use your basement as a hookup spot for me and whoever was my girlfriend at the moment. You mean more than me than just who had "the free crib". 
• Uncle, I'm sorry I stole change for a Dutch cigar and some loose cigs. I just knew you wouldn't let me get the money if I asked and knew what it was for. 
• Mom, again I'm sorry for all the lies... ALL of them... from lying about homework to lying about syringe marks. 
• To the children I had with 2 Jamaican women who WON'T LET ME SEE THEM, I'm sorry I'm not in your life as much as I want to. Your mother(s) probably think I'm still using and don't want you to be FURTHER influenced by me. 
• Leroy, I'm sorry I put you through so much hell in 2008-09. I didn't know what was going on, I just knew MANY people wanted to drive a professional wedge into our friendship. 
• Dre, I'm sorry for not trusting you. We both know how cold Harlem politics can be, and I'm praying that we'll be some of the ones to make it out. 
• Nate, I'm sorry you saw me tweaked out at AM Studios. Now it's hard to escape you looking at me to see if something was drug related-ly wrong. 
• Sciryl, Kesed, I'm sorry I used y'all as alibis for where I was on nights I just wanted to binge and not be dealt with by anyone.
• HchO, I'm sorry if there was ever a time... and there was... when you needed me to be in communication and I wasn't. I just built a world for myself and didn't know how to management. You were an AWESOME big brother.

I'm sure I can think of a few more people to apologize to. But this was before I met SO MANY PEOPLE. In fact, these "so many people" KNOW ME through this album.

Kinda just blew a gasket (in my head). Gonna take it in for the night.

Never be too prideful to say sorry to someone you've wronged.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Your Son Misses (u)

I did an interview today with a family friend and media journalist I can trust. The interview went well. We got in depth about The Pink Lavalamp and what I was doing around that time. We used to work together at my uncle's Internet Television Broadcasting Company (Brownstone Digital, Inc.; the modern format for CBS, BET, and SEVERAL OTHER media conglomerates). She asked me how I managed to steer clear of my uncle's watchful eye. I told her "lies". 

Lies are why I'm still alive today.

I lied to my grandmother to get money, to my uncle about why I was late to work, to my mom so I can get out the house... then I would lie about NOT having enough money for the dealer, lie to my girlfriend about where I've been (such is documented in a few songs on The Pink Lavalamp), to FDA about being happy... just skyscraper levels of lies stacked on lies. When the interviewer (Leila; pronounced Lee-lah) came up with this segment about who I would want to give an apology if I could, I said to my mother. I used to lie to my mother a lot growing up. Little things that became big things that ultimately led to asswhoopings and lost trust. In the interview, I caught myself in a little lie, as far as when I got started using. And the more I gave it thought, the more grim my history with hard drugs became. I was more scared of my mom finding out I did H courtesy of an OD. That's what made me stop the first time, in 10th grade. I messed around from time to time in 11th, and when I got to FDA, it was barely recreational. I think coming back from college (2006; God damn!) and dealing with a sick/agitating mom (RIP) and my Jamaican girlfriend having eyes for another is what made me dip again.

There's a story Nate told during the Faultlines documentary. I had OD'd on a cocktail of drugs, as provided by a jamband who were rehearsing in the same studio as us from The FDA Studio. That was early summer '06. Bear with me as I try to retrace my steps. I basically lied to Nate and told him I wouldn't use anymore, and then he went away to college. Somehow, I began seeing Jamarris, and that struck him some kinda way. I thought he was jealous. He was trying to keep me focused. His girl and my girl (Toya) were cool, the studio loved Toya... he didn't want me to ruin a good thing by chasing "the prettiest girl in FDA". I lied to Toya about Jamarris, I lied to Jamarris about using...

I feel fucked up again.

Well, Mom, I'm sorry for lying to you like you're someone to be lied to. I was just trying to protect your heart. You would've hated me for using. Yes, I stole money from your purse/ATM, yes that's where I was going when I took so long to come back to the store (among other surprises... I'm a famous rapper, mom!), no, I never sold my body for drugs... I'll tell you any and everything you want to know. 

Just talk to me again.

Pardon me, you guys. I gotta clear my conscious of a wicked tongue.

No photos today.

~Enter the Hamilton~

We had it, babe

^

^

^

Nothing about us was right. Neither of us want to be wrong. Both of us are proud of our individual and collective passion(s).

We couldn’t get there together.

You’re a whole parent. With tight relations to the streets. Yet it was I who would leave early in the morning and come back at ungodly hours. I thank you for every night you picked me up from Jamaica Station. Every night you left the front door open so I can come in without waking you up. Trust and believe it was never about past flames or future relations. I was grinding, establishing #CDotHamilton amongst the very streets and street niggas I stayed away from.

Until you.

I did a great deal of sacrificing when it came to you. I left my pedestal of wound licking and began from the bottom of the castle. The Tower, if you will. I just wanted you to be proud of me. I was shaking the city UP and DOWN! And I was dooinit, knowing I had “some light skinned bad bitch who could rock the mic at her leisure”. I was crushed when you decided to part ways. But I don’t fight or argue. If you don’t want me in your life, I facilitate you finding happiness.

I hope your son is well. I also hear you are married. Congratulations! Hopefully he knows the wonder of a woman he has. I send my love and regards to your mother, sister and brother. Hopefully, all is well.

I could never tell, with you…

To stand behind you is to walk ahead of you.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Speaking of Witch… (a post before the curse)

Rivera informed me that I might be visiting FDA by myself. An unexpected hardship occurred for him, and he needs every penny he can get. Prayers up for Chris Rivera and his family (fiancé Bev, daughter Juliet, mom and uncle).

I just listened to “Antithesis” for the first time in a WHILE, a few hours ago. MAN! It was a good listen, but VERY self-depreciating. My argument is, saying fucked up things about myself and how I feel about a select few made me feel GOOD. I was depleting my value by giving away arcane knowledge in the form of low blow disses… to people who posed a threat to my sanity (one way or another). “Antithesis” was recorded and released in 2014, and was the #antithesis or OPPOSITE of “Unforgiven”. 

“Unforgiven” was recorded after I committed a homosexual act, and felt untouchable… by any and all EXCEPT Harlem. I fessed up to it, to be an example to any and all down low brothers who struggle to coexist with women. It’s not about homophobia over here. It’s about INTENTION. My struggle with women comes from always feeling the need to go out of my way to show affection. Every heartbreak, break up, let down… it all led to February 2014. And since then, I haven’t been more honest.

Whereas I recorded “Unforgiven” with Boe and Dre in Brooklyn, I recorded “Antithesis” in the A$AP Mob’s safe house (lair). The room I recorded in had “TRAP LORD” painted on the wall behind me, as I faced the mic. And during the time of recording, I drew a crowd. By the time you get to “Toodle Loo” (the last track on the album), THE WHOLE HARLEM WAS OUTSIDE. This is around March or April of 2014. It was love, curiosity, wonder, intrigue… not bad for a Cleveland native!

Look. Love will make you do some crazy things. And some crazy things will make you do love. Just LET IT BE LOVE. Don’t prey on those who pray. Which doesn’t mean that those who pray don’t prey. But sometimes you just gotta go with your gut instinct. The management company was called “Turn First” and the woman interested in signing me kept asking about my sex life. And if I had something going on with Boe and Dre. Boe and I were arguing every other day, and Dre requires patience when you ask him for stuff (they call him Hov on the block for a reason). If I misinterpreted what the bitch meant… it’s too late to look back at such a thing. I moved on, my partner passed away (diabetic shock), I have a new person to dedicate namaste love to (the God in me sees the God in you).

Harlem, I know you don’t want to hear gay war stories, so I don’t plan to partake again. I’m kinda asexual widdit. I’m not attracted to men and women are in an interesting season. All I got is my records, my instruments and my mic. That’s the love that kept me depressed in my teen years, not having the means to express myself articulately THROUGH MUSIC.

That problem is gone. 

I just want to make music that factually glorifies my Gothic imagination.

Yet,

if you feel you connected to joints like “Antithesis” and “Unforgiven”, BLESS YOU!

I’m glad I successfully did what Jesus would do.

~Enter the Hamilton~

FDA Alumni Day 2026

No other way to start this off. I want to thank EVERY StarChaser who contributed to the fundraiser to get me back home to Harlem for my high school homecoming celebration. I am extremely appreciative, as it was in FDA that I made the music which… pretty much led me to you.

Accompanying me will be Chris Rivera. He helped set up the fundraiser and has earned the right to enter The Hallowed Halls of Frederick Douglass Academy through his years of diligence, dedication and commitment. See, *The A* isn’t crazy about newcomers. Neither is the block you can find *The A* on. I’ve long since been considered The Block Ambassador (I talk to/say hi to EVERYONE). I’ve just been away for so long. And Hollywood has had me by the BALLS (no homo, if needed). Chris has kept me level headed, whilst reminding me I’m a star.

Here and there, I’ve been asking —Aliens and LionsDem if they would be in attendance. Perhaps it was too early to ask, because… well, they didn’t even announce the RSVP paperwork for Alumni Day. lol I mean, I’m that excited. I might even stick around for the Alumni Basketball Game. I was never one to just *watch* my brothers play ball, and I equally wasn’t one to play ball with my brothers. 

Let’s just hope I can get to show Chris the studio. I can only imagine how it’s grown since I last saw it in 2016. Fuuuuuuck! 10 years ago!!!

One thing I want to do, before Alumni Day. If anyone who went to FDA has an issue with me because of my music or things I’ve done outside of being a student, reach out to me. I don’t want what could be a beautiful day for Harlem to get ugly-fied by a misunderstanding. To my knowledge, I’m still good in Harlem. Still good in NYC in total. My immediate family moved to Philly, so …yeah. 

Awkwarrrd…

Looks like FDA is the only family system I got in NYC. Of course my brother Maine (Brooks) from Lehman is supportive. VK, he lives right next door to *The A*. Bred, he’s moving around the city. But each of these men have families of their own. Even Sha-Leik, who went to FDA, has his own family unit to tend to. My point is, this is my chance to show that, with the talent I fostered in FDA, I built a community of trust and support. I am independent, with dependency on/to music.

A combination of Hillary Clinton and Frederick Douglass himself: it takes a village to raise a child, and without struggle there is no progress.

I genuinely can’t wait to see whoever should come. And forgive me if I don’t recognize you! “I been looking so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believe that they’re real…”

~Enter the Hamilton~

A sinner’s essence

 

When I lived in The Bronx, I was… certainly taken by surprise. It was 9th grade. I went from Rice (124th and Lenox, Harlem) to my old neighborhood park (123rd and Tiemann, Harlem) after detention. I had some time before mom got home to know I was in detention, so I moseyed on over there. It was here where I “randomly” found… what devilishly became “my favorite game”:

Diablo II

It’s not quite an RPG, and it’s not quite Zelda. Still, I swore by this game and did what I could to keep from being in detention (to get home and play it). I still got caught up with bullshit in class, still ended up in detention, and because I wrote awesome essays I was able to keep my computer. Other than that, it would be out the window (the way my mom played it). Speaking of mom, I had to hide the game from her FOR REAL. She was a HARDCORE Christian, and BARELY let me play video games (she knew about my SEGA obsession; said it was unhealthy). The damn game was called Diablo. Fuck the fact it was a sequel.

I had a demo of Sonic Adventure. Came with the Dreamcast. But my Genesis was long since lost from our apartment on Broadway (we lived in Brooklyn for a few months; Brownsville). My search for the proverbial “fucking Genesis” is really me finding the time and space for my innocence. 

In a way, Harlem groomed me. I measure everything in “ayos”, “pauses” and “no homos”. This is somewhat embedded in me, despite Downtown’s pleas for me to keep an open mind. Im glad they did, I just wish they knew that such is why I’m missing out. Now, the love of Harlem has to trump my love of self. And it was Harlem that embedded #conceit, circa Cam’ron.

I’m not really that conceited. I just have high standards. Set by self and the environment I developed self in. Trust me. People have come to Harlem expecting a village of Pure Charles Hamiltons. 

My, how they missed the apostrophe.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Championship flops

 

I’m sure Tyronn Lue didn’t appreciate Iverson’s jock in his face, after being scored on. But Lue has 2 rings! Iverson has none. Who’s jock is in who’s face?

I can either break my stride and smoke with you (keeping the friendship alive but killing my voice) or keep going and see you less (such shouldn’t kill the friendship, but the slightest thing can nowadays). I went this whole day, no cigs. And it was almost no weed too, but I had to partake. To mine own self, I apologize.

Very interesting to see who gets upset at the thought of me not smoking with them NOW. I already explained that I lost my falsetto, I almost blew it in DTLA, …like I don’t need to explain that music comes first, and my voice/breath control is a part of it. Anyone who’s not jackin me trying to do better for myself is dead an opp, and needs to keep away from me.

That includes you, my heart/Beloved.

I blame cigarettes for mom, and praise dad for quitting. Even if I don’t quit for good, I plan to have the strongest voice possible for November 10th. My voice is an instrument, and I neglected it for YEARS. Specifically since COVID-2021. No excuses. Time to lock in.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Stupid on mute

Here’s another reason I hate that you watch: if I fail, you’ll be proven right.

No one ever said your love was unconditional.

So today was another 2 cigs. Whenever I get the urge, I pop a cough drop. Running out of this particular medicated brand, so I will be reupping soon. But yeah. 2 cigs yesterday, no weed, no coffee, A LOT of lemon tea, very little Gatorade. 

The key about today is, I didn’t speak much. Didn’t talk to Lou, didn’t talk to Rivera, Baker, Drewzer… only spoke to the company that lives on the building with me. Now it’s not that I didn’t have a voice… I didn’t have the BREATH for a voice. This has happened to me before. For it, I went to urgent care, got drained, went about my business. Monday, I may try that. There is too much on the line with this show, and we’re too close to it for me to have a technical difficulty I could’ve checked WAY before soundcheck.

I don’t mean to make you nervous. Shit, I don’t mean to make my SELF more nervous. I got EVERYTHING lined up for the show, BUT my breath. Just let it be known, the sacrifice of my breath came with QUALITY music, both over the years and in the last…I’ll say five. Once it became clear what you like and don’t like about my music, I leaned on that bitch and pumped out JOINTS.

And if you can’t see/hear it, know that I can and can point it out to you.

Stand clear of the closing doors, please.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Hating you watch

Everything seems to go down the rabbit hole from here/there. Nevertheless, there is a great difference between there and here. And I know I make it sound easy (to cope with; living in my world), but a lot of pain and sacrificing comes with maintaining A WHOLE UNIVERSE. And because we all have our own Universe (within, our close friends m, etc.), I’m not quick to run outside and claim that I RUN THE UNIVERSE. Because, in a way, EVERYONE runs The Universe.

I’m just that naive.

It seems that… it looks like you guys are ready for showtime! I’m ready, too. And because I have a good performance record, I’m actually confident. I don’t want to look too far ahead and not give it 100% the night of. But there are big plans for after the show(case). Just… don’t remind me about cigarettes. I lost Mom to ‘em, particular family members are on my ass about it… it was my decision to get a Newport. I did it for me. It’s on me to retrain to where I can push my voice out again. I feel pressured to say “I won’t let you down”. You (the one I hate to know watches) would tell me to panic. Then say what needs to be said to alleviate. Thus becoming habit-forming.

I hate that you watch, because I am FILTHY.

Psalms 51:7

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Watching you hate.

If you haven’t noticed, the durations for my songs are around 4 minutes and 8 seconds. The instrumental is normally at 93bpms and is 96 bars long. Occasionally, I’ll just start rapping until the beat goes off, thus leaving 96 bars of BARS. As of late I’ve been writing my hooks down, so that frees my mind when it comes to recording. Still, the duration begs the question, “SEGA (4) or Nintendo (8)”?. 

Some of my listeners and personal supporters want me to switch it up. They feel the tempo gets repetitive and the format has been washed by unscrupulous actions of our forefathers and the rage of modern hip-poppers. I would agree, but there’s a method to my madness. Remember, I DJ. Still, I spoke to the spirits I conjure working at that tempo, and they agreed that variety (despite being shown with the rhythm/drum choices) is needed in order to keep MUSIC flowing.

My music from 2012-2025 was meant for a Charles Hamilton Party (as DJ’d by me or Halo).

So I slowed it down. Lord KNOWS when you’ll hear it. I have PLENTY of music in the 93 bag. And in said bag, I am prepared to go slower or faster. But since the complexity of the bars gets washed by the groove, I started making more spit-to-able beats.

Be on the lookout.

For you, my love.

Sleep well.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Poison diet

 I was doing good. God the cigarette count down to 2 a day. Then I BLACKED this weekend. Ended up with a sore throat, congested chest and VERY LITTLE voice. It must be the 20+ years of cigs, straight, no reprise outside of jail and institutional visits. Cigs are harder to give up than H, in my humble opinion. I guess because I can smoke a cig in almost any scenario, and I had to go lower than Manhattan to see about a fix.

I still ran the set list, and I’m honestly not doing too bad. To protect my high notes, the cigs must stop. At the same time, my voice is deeper and raspier than it was 20 years ago. There is a chance I’m being TOO hard on myself. Still, Dre broke it down: I spent the last 12 years smoking and producing/recording. I need the exercise and break from smoke. I’m at my neighbor’s now, about to blaze a blunt.

I got this. I’m just chronicling the glow up, to inspire anyone who’s been at a drug-induced bottom. WE CAN RISE. WE WILL RISE. I groom more and better, I’m more social, I’m more tolerant… it’s a doobie, yall. I got a good team, some StarChasers who are closer/better friends than the ones I got into the game with… the latter can be seen as a damn shame. Funny how FDA and Jimmy Iovine predicted me having such a loving “fan base”. It was because of this that I insisted my fans not be called “fans”, and came up with a name for them… named after the love me and an ex had for each other.

So far, good reviews on my latest mix (TTMH Dillatholic mix) and SINGLE, “Supernothing”. The numbers are low, the spirits are high. Leroy is kinda used to it by now. Dre is making room for such a phenomenon. I know this is new to you. lol caught myself quoting “You Don’t Know” (me, circa 2007). Feels like I’m getting back to my old self, really! I mean, what would I be without a cigarette? Mom smoked till the day she died. Dad stopped, IN CASE he died. I think we can all agree that it’s not the healthiest habit, but there’s a … sort of #cigarettetelepathy. It’s the ultimate aid in tunnel vision.

I’ll stop.

Show up.

The Hamilton Experience

On ~the~ way.

~Enter the Hamilton~

Esoteric terrorism.

All I ever asked of you, was for you to be just who you are. My reward will come. In fact, I invited you to BE my reward. As much of a friendly gesture as it is and/or was, it was more of a cry for help. I’ve had access to the finer things, yes. But you were POISED to be what makes me a snob. BOTH of you.

The finer things, the higher life… both redefined by YOU (not the aforementioned). I had less than you, yet you made it okay. I’ve come to sacrifice A LOT, in the name of measuring up to you. I know you wouldn’t want me to sacrifice myself for the sake of mastery of expression, but… our bond can shake the heavens. And though I already shared a similar bond with our mutual friend and collaborator, it was you who led to the great explosion within me. This explosion, being what the rest of the world has come to know me by.

You two have come between me and EVERYTHING LIVING THING. And I have nothing to show for it. Well, I got music, but… that’s where YOU come in. I hope I caused a patch of gray hair on your head, because you’ve had me on the ropes since day one. GRANTED the two I speak of ARE OUR IDOLS, the 2 I speak of is my best friend. I am of the mind to let the two equate to 3 each and, together, make 6. That would mean my 2 would… complete me.

And no one would be ready for that.

Yeah. Everyone sucks.

I guess I’m just asking for YOU TWO to be a bit more understanding.

For YEARS, I was my own best friend. To have an older multiple of myself (Columbine Gang!) as my closest pal is a sweet dream AND a beautiful nightmare. “What if you feel my pain? And… what if you hear my thoughts? Yeah.” I can’t trust myself already, due to how prone I am to suicide. I don’t want you to go. You don’t want me to go. Stalemate.

Still, you two cross my mind and heart, more often than not. It could be a new four! It could be more than One. 

I just know that… to defend one is to offend the other.

Let’s get it together, forever.

~Enter the Hamilton~

InfantMalice.gpt

Infant of the Malice

Darkness → New identity

Something is born from malice. The emphasis is on origins, environment, and the forces that shape a person.

Malice of the Infant

New identity → Darkness

Something malevolent belongs to the infant. The emphasis is on the person's own nature, immaturity, or capacity to cause harm.

When you turn your pain into your identity, do you eventually transcend the pain — or do you become responsible for keeping it alive?

^
^
^
expect them.

~Enter the Hamilton~