I was on the phone with... a rather positive *drKiwi*, and they were somewhat giving me my flowers. I kept dwelling on the negative. And when I tried to stop, I got sick to the stomach. My comfort zone is self-depreciation. I initially used this as a battle technique. Enough people got used to it, so I had to switch it up. With that being the case, I hadn't had any real battles since the "cypher" against Rone in 2008. And even that was bs, because I didn't see it as a battle. I was tired from a 30 minute performance set, and he asked me WITHOUT a camera if we can cypher.
I was caught off guard.
A lot of my demeanor was railroaded by some behind the scenes stuff. Still, I kept my battle spirit ready for hardcore action. I've battled small time cats (Tsu Surf included), but nothing worth looking at the downside of myself as often as I do. I have every reason to love myself. Nothing is (technically) wrong with me. Type shit, all the ammo there is to fire at me with, I PROVIDED. It's like I'm battling myself.
It's not hard to believe that The Sun is shining somewhere, ALL THE TIME. And The Sun is big enough to be a target and a resource. It's just... The Sun is so addicting. It can be an alibi, if it wants to be. I do find myself charging up in The Sun more often than not. And I project positivity to those around me. But what if I want to be a light for myself? Is it possible, without thinking about all the people who have a problem with me (for whatever reason)? I give reason to hate me, in my own smart ass way.
I can stop, but why?
Right. For my own peace.
#cHamEra, still under way.
Then, #CharacterHop.
4/20, next week!
Load up, roll up, go nuts!!!
#CzH
