My body is weary.
I laid down in Mike's bed, with his permission before he left to go to work.
CYoung is here.
I haven't really had much sleep, and I've been ... manic with my output of music as of late.
I also have been sleeping on a hardwood floor, on top of a hole-popped, deflated airbed.
To be laying in a bed, pause on it being Mike's, is a true luxury.
As I laid in a purgatory-esque, between sleep and awake state, I felt a small penetration in my anus.
I heard nothing.
I saw nothing.
All I know is I, as of this morning, told CYoung i don't trust The Weeknd (of whom he's going to be working with soon).
He snapped at me, then said it's no big deal.
My issues with sleep-driven rape are well-documented.
With reference to a very real factor in life.
Not my past.
I cannot accuse Chris of raping me, the way I cant accuse Usher of cutting off my Sonic fin.
I am a HUGE Incubus fan, but I know my sense of touch.
An incubus is a demon that has sex with you in your sleep.
Incubus is from California.
The place you find Hollywood.
If you California niggas, including Dr. Dre, think sexual violation in one's sleep is a cool trend, you are starting some beaurocratic bullshit that no one can call a ceasefire for.
Many of my friends have complained about strange practices since they perused their dreams in thesbianism.
I am not influential in their lives enough to make that much of a difference for them to try to bond with me that way.
I hardly speak, for Christ's sake.
I threaten no one.
I can only promise that I will one day sleep well, knowing that I can.
Sleep well, that is...
I am now paranoid, angry (at myself for trusting, at the prick I felt,and YOU for making this a joke), hurt, confused and, yes, suicidal.
But maybe my suicidal rage is something less self-damaging.
Maybe i know you pussies would never give me a fair fight.
You're already counting me out.
You think I'm weak.
Your doubt affects your reality.
And I literally just stopped doubting I wont be raped again.
In fact, I'm doubting I'll be raped again.
Better still, I strongly doubt CYoung would rape me.
He's straight, he's got a bright so future ahead of him, he's tough, and he's a good natured fellow.
I'm tired of wishing people would love me the way I love them.
And I'm not gonna TAKE love anymore.
It is what its gonna be.
Prove me wrong,and all obsessions will be fulfilled.
Every obsession.
Fuck the slice.
Want the pie.
I dont have to ask why.
I'll just wait.
#captivating
