NiGHTS Into Hearts
gone falsetto.
Aborted Hamilton
Don’t call *drKiwi* about this shit. It’s not that serious. Nevertheless, abandoning projects is like removing a musical fetus from my creative womb.
I began work on an album called “Survivor’s Guilt”. The title struck me, and though there is a solid definition to it, I’m not all that sure I survived my test. I’ve been clean from H for about 5-6 years now. Cold turkey, minus HEAVY weed binging sessions. I recently caught a SERIOUS jones for it, and called my dad for support. I would’ve called mom, but most of the lies I told about using were TO my mom. That, plus she’s dead.
I don’t wanna let anyone down. I also can’t say I survived addiction because I’m still struggling with cigarettes. I feel weak about them. I’m down to 2 a day, but I wake up hacking and wheezing. This year also makes 20 years since I bought my first loosie. In Harlem, after FDA closed for the night, on my way to Toya’s. I wanted a blunt so bad, and Sha didn’t have bud or money for it. B/A, I don’t remember why I didn’t smoke with him that night. But yeah. No one had bud, and I had $1.50. Enough for a cig, a brownie and a Nutty (.50 soda).
I may come back to “Survivor’s Guilt”. I just don’t feel strong enough for it right now. It would be a motivating album… motivational… kinda like “Jesus & Santa Claus” (2016). It’s just one of those titles that grabs you by the collar and insists you break the cement shoes The Russian Mafia put on your soul. Or is it Italian…? Still and all, I have some other projects in the works.
Infant of the Malice
Malice of the Infant
I still have some rage in my heart to air out. I fear I missed out on what the world is now hypnotized by. So my perspective is officially out of this world. Just gotta stay focused on the tasks at hand (shows, meetings, etc.) and remember that I’m loved.
I don’t want this love to fade.
#CzH
Sorrow 0fficial lyrics
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
My ways are different now.
I think SEGA's different now.
The way I view it, ...no PPV. A different view. Who can see? Who can say? Trying to dis-spew a different -splay. No dissing. You don't listen. No kidding. You won't get it.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
^
^
You know who you are. I still get the shakes from how I treated you. Just know that such is not in my nature, and that you drove me wild. All apologies.
My heartbeat.
^
^
Hopefully, you read the post about your return.
I'm excited to have you back.
My tongue is scarred from said battle.
~!Jr.!~
Darralyn 0fficial lyrics
^
^
Somethin' about FDA love, man...
Here she is…
Many people have cited the absence of *drKiwi* as the first sign of my downfall. I may agree. Well, we spoke today. We’re getting closer and passed the hang up’s of before. She was good to me, I was good to her. Thing is, I sinned against women. And Jamaica, if we’re being ambiguously honest (figure it out).
But as the conversation rolled on, my homoerotic brick wall crumbled, and I was back in puppy love with…
Simone Porter.
We talked about everything. The rise and fall of us, our influence, justice, rage, copycats… she’s still as sharp as ever. She just doesn’t write anymore. Shit, neither do I. Sidebar, I may get back into writing full time. It’s a feeling. Back to regularly scheduled, I can’t front like I’m not under her control. She has a swag that consoles you as it puts your lights out. I’m not even thinking about sex. I can’t handle sex with anyone at this point. I CAN, however, trust Miss Porter.
I don’t want to be like this. Love shouldn’t motivate my life this way. I’m dependent on love. I’m gonna rock these shows, for the love of Dre and Leroy. I’m gonna get fly, for the love of Porter. I already don’t harm myself for the love of YOU.
I imagine Sun Ra being critically suicidal. To imagine what a piano can do, OUTSIDE of playing melodies, is a task for the human mind. The nigga had an orchestra (Arkestra, rather). He probably couldn’t get the music out of his body fast enough.
I love you, Miss Porter. But you know that.
Let time be the judge of what we already put into The Universe…
I know. Briana. But she was post-Porter and… yeah. I guess I need a shot like that rn…
#CzH
She Smiled (For Once) 0fficial lyrics
Back outside...
Back outside.
(verse 1)
I'm not a scrub. I got a love that drives. Lets me sit on the passenger side. My glove provides (all) the love she rides with. I'm a lucky guy! I don't have to drive! I'm a master, on the passenger side... "...show me a good time!" So silly, am I... really, I define the Air. I am here, the pioneer of the five-plus-one. I be The One. ...that makes Seven! ...Five is like Six, and Six is forever. Sixes forever. Get it together. Mind my business for pleasure. Still, I get it in, on no measure!
(Hook)
I walk around neutral
I walk around on cruise control.
You make my life... unusual.
In a good way!
You... make my life...
Beautiful
(verse 2)
The flow is an Eleven. Didn't know that it was heaven. Reach me! I beseech thee! I smite thee, Almighty! I be trying to commit blaspheme on the mic. Ask for me, on the mic. Write down why. When your brown eyes lay down as I define my... recognition/resurrection/a better listen/a better lesson whenever this is the effort gevin...given, pardon. You're living with the Harden of rhyming. So retarded-ly raise your thighs, make it mine. I mean it's too damn indiscrete to be seen but... maybe I can't take it away... baby, I made a mistake! Save me with Grace... one of these days, okay? I'm a boss, and you know... it's kind of hard for me to stroke without you... I won't doubt you... you know I'm all about you.
(Hook)
I walk around neutral
I walk around on cruise control.
You make my life... unusual.
In a good way!
You... make my life.
Beautiful
(verse 3)
A slew of things, by me doing things. I be truly singing to the wind with my whispers. Whispers are psychic, I know. The Wind blows it so many times, it's pyrotechnic! 4th of July!, every time you start the lie... when the stars divide and let Charles be silent to the thought of violence in his mind being awesome, having ratings.
What am I dating?
A monstrosity, I believe,,,
(Hook)
I walk around neutral
I walk around on cruise control.
You make my life... unusual.
In a good way!
You... make my life.
Beautiful
#cHam
The Muse’s Beauty
In arm’s reach
The Talented... strikes!(ikes!ikes!ikes!ikes!ikes!)
Seeing as how I am without a deck, I'm low key panicking about the future. One is in reach, but moments like these when/where I get ideas for transitions and blends that I realize how addicted I've become to Turntablizm. I have DJ'd in public before, so I'm not so much a Bedroom Beethoven, as I am a musician who spends ALL his time perfecting one's craft.
And I want to do it more than I already do.
HOWEVER...
I can honestly say that even though The Pink Lavalamp lives to see another day and will live forever (November 10th, baby!), it is not immune to The Talented Mr. Hamilton! As dead ass as TPL is, it's not so grave that I can't have fun with it. I became a slave to it for YOU. There would be no "My Brain Is Alive" without TPL. But The Pink Lavalamp couldn't've occurred without Sober Karaoke. And I cheered the fuck up from "From The Desk Of..." at my expense. seez/!! See? That's my mental health. I downplay potential blessings from self and others because I feel I don't deserve it.
Let me work on that.
and I don't have much time.
Somethin' new...
“I heard a kiss from you…”
Today, I:
-rode the exercise bike (breath control is HORRIBLE)
-practiced 11/10 set (not bad, but I want to have someone here to watch)
-writing this blog entry
-listened to potential singles from music on my website
-spoke with Dre the Manager; he mostly handles the day to day
-prayed and meditated
It seems to me that I handle my business so rapidly that I have nothing to do with my day and life. I guess I can call Jackie!, but she’s not all the way single yet. We both kinda rushed in this thing, not really having much other than music to hold onto.
Could be another love TKO.
And I feel like shit trying to go Keith Sweat my way back into Simone’s graces.
Let’s go digging…!
#CH
Thickassdaphne (Heartbreaker) 0fficial lyrics
Ungh.
Come on.
I might be sinless but my mind is full of sin.
(verse 1)
Not what I'm looking for. I got what I'm looking for. Getting top from a Brooklyn whore. "Write a lot!", in my book. Some more, after. But the disaster is the Brooklyn chick isn't here. I look within to get clear. Who could I like? Who would I love? A Latina with long hair or a bald black chick? She got a Caesar but she's thick. She probably a pleaser, Jesus! Just on a three second flick I knew that she'd get the recklessness I spit, you dig? She want a piece of me, from a distance. A Modern Lacey, but kind of crazy. I miss Miss, from a distance. Can you get this?
(hook)
Somebody take her!
Shorty looking like she's a heartbreaker!
Looking like she's a heartbreaker...
I just can't take her!
Shorty looking like she's a heartbreaker!
Should've known that she's a heartbreaker!
(verse 2)
I like to role play when I'm watching porn. Stepmom, stepson I got a lot to go on with. Get on my mountain, become a Mormon when I preach to you. Leave you in The Water of St. Louis... Salt Lake City... Damn, I can't do it! I paint to it. but damn it, I ain't do it! We connected mentally through sex in a scene. Sex In The City, no. Sex on the Internet. That's digital. I get it all. I get it from the fro to the toes. She had no fro but pretty toes. Did she know that I'm watching her get off? Also looking for an officer... cuff me. Fuck me, baby. Fuck me, baby! It's just me, baby... you make me ugly and crazy!
(hook)
Somebody take her!
Shorty looking like she's a heartbreaker!
Looking like she's a heartbreaker...
I just can't take her!
Shorty looking like she's a heartbreaker!
Should've known that she's a heartbreaker!
(verse 3)
She felt me stroking my bone. I felt she when she rode on the pole. A quick scene then we role play. She's somebody's stepmom! I'm like, "okay, maybe I could be the son that she lusting after! Bust her ass! We cuddle up when after!" ...just because I love her laughter. Maybe it's forced, but it ain't forced no more! She got me! I cuddle with her thick ass! Leaving puddles after the disaster. That word. Disaster, what is that? I sit back and wish she was mine. She sits on my lap, From a distance. I give her all I have plus what's divine. She disappears when I refresh. Just know as long as I log on, she's next. Ungh
(hook)
Somebody take her!
Shorty looking like she's a heartbreaker!
Looking like she's a heartbreaker...
I just can't take her!
Shorty looking like she's a heartbreaker!
Should've known that she's a heartbreaker!
[#cHam_widdit]
Hoarse Horus...
The smartest thing for me to do right now is shut the fuck up. Literally. I have a showcase coming (industry stuff), and the big 11/10 show. As you may have heard in today's live, I am very hoarse, and I NEED to put the cigs down.
Now, The Eye of Horus has brought me much success. In fact, it's the reason I'm here. But I haven't been kind to the temple that houses it. I'm able to knock out 12-hour DJ sets to an audience that may or may not appreciate the music, for the last 2 NYEs. This is my chance to showcase my talents through songs I love and get love for, AS WELL AS get compensated from it. I don't want to squander this opportunity due to cravings and being overall weak.
It won't be easy, but it must be done. At least until this coming Christmas. Who knows what can happen FOR me by then...? I just know I'm here till I'm not. And I don't plan to be the reason I'm not here anymore.
MOON steps, y'all... lol
So I will be actively shutting the fuck up, at least until I get my falsetto back. I have at least 16 days to get my voice back. As of now, I'm nervous.
But I always bounce back in the midnight hour.
I can attest to my own doings.
^
^
"What's that smell? Oh, I'm just boiling some agua!"
Jitters of The Talented…!
...as it continues...
Today, I...
-woke up
-read the news
-worked the exercise bike
-drank A LOT of water
-took my daily psych meds
-practiced for upcoming live shows
-meditated
-prayed (to God)
Making a blog entry like this was hard,
I guess I'm that evil.
Doing it again, today.
Nov. 10th, @ SOBs NYC
The irony of love.
NewCo era, y'all. The manipulative muscle of Matt Michelson and the smooth coercion of "Uncle Jeff" Metcalf. NO ONE KNEW WHAT TO DO. They just knew my music was marketable, and with the right designer stuff, I can be equally as marketable (without clashing with "their" favorite artists). I sent a LOT of subs at EACH of them. Sadly, the NewCo era made enemies out of my Harlem brethren. It wasn't long into this era that I had falling outs with Boe, Dre, Sha-leik, Leroy... and a lot of these songs reflect it.
Difference is, I was writing back then.
I feel weird having WROTE little quips and lines about a serious topic. I've already made my accusations. Just... the people I accused ended up influencing the behavior of all those listed earlier. As it so turns out, it was all a scare tactic, and they did indeed scare the shit out of me. But they got bars for it. And I got my bars UP, thinking about them. As we move forward, Dre and Leroy are in the position that Matt and HchO were in. Sha and I are on better terms, Boe is the homie... all I gotta do is show up in Harlem and all will be okay.
Currently on a FaceTime group chat with Lou and Shapeshifter Dre (Stray Dogs). We're trying to figure out what to do about a wayward Stray. No details, no quotes. Just pray for Reek the Cleric. And say another prayer for Super Helpful Kwame (with the CH-produced "Black In New York"), who's facing homelessness and ...well, not being able to make music until the funds come around.
The real ones go through it.
That's how they become real ones.
Ace your test.
older picture. lol.
~!Jr.!~
CH x JPEG
^
^
I had only heard about dude from underground circles. Never officially listened. He reached out during the week, and I was compelled to listen. Glad I did. BRILLIANT production and lyrics. And A HELLUVA COLLABORATOR. We made some shit together yesterday.
Hate This Guy pt. 2 0fficial lyrics
Hey, Dilla.
I don't know if it's "Praise Jesus!", "Fuck Jesus!", be like Jesus, be like you...
I make noise on this shit, baby.
Come on, let me get down, Lord!.
(verse 1)
I'm only interested in committing sin with my women friends. Come back with a strap. Not on their waist; more like, "on my hip...!". Spraying anybody that's bored of the shit. More than morbid; it's the floor to the abyss. The bottom of it. Bottoms up. Raising heaven like it's a child. Getting down. Mystikal. Spitting Wild. Wild and fast... like top. Like I like it. Give me that, I just might change. Strange how brain changes the game. Yet, you don't need a brain to receive the change of the game... The Rap Game. Jesus's pain, all over they hands, head and back. Wherever they have pain. My pain's your destiny, better believe. So Fresh and Clean; better than three. 8,000 and a million. Wildin' in the building; you smiling? I guess not. I guess the stress cannot stop. Trying to make you laugh while you shake your ass... Dilla! Madlib in the back... extra rapping under the cap (sry). Niggas, get that? Mentality! Been that! No fatality, unless I (w)rap that...
(hook)
I cannot hate this guy for all.
He's done all he's done for me.
I cannot hate this guy for all.
He's done all he's done for me.
I cannot hate this guy for all.
He's done all he's done for me.
I cannot hate this guy for all.
He's done all he's done for me.
(verse 2)
...no other damn direction to go. Stretching your throat, Giraffe. Geoffrey. Let's get it o-n. You know that I be o'in with a poem. No other choice but to go in. When the wind's blowing, innuendoing. Then, the dough I get is not mentioned by no one. Shit. Going in like... no one would if no one was in the crib. They coming in. How sick is that? Picture the fact and wrap it up. Like a condom. Fuck with that Fuck me? Fuck your (w)raps! Fuck you! It's a Wrap. What the fuck is up with that? Jesus got me! Holes in my hands, and I'm bleeding sloppy! THAT's the pain I feel, holding the mic like Rodney Dangerfield. No respect. So I hold your neck. Poltergeist. Holding a beer. Know what the fear is... my spirit. Hear this!
(hook)
I cannot hate this guy for all.
He's done all he's done for me.
I cannot hate this guy for all.
He's done all he's done for me.
I cannot hate this guy for all.
He's done all he's done for me.
I cannot hate this guy for all.
He's done all he's done for me.
Dear Jesus, how does it feel to be mentioned in The Sun's powerful yield? Like I give it up to you, cause you died. I can't die. I provide immortality to anybody that want to battle the rhyme. You live forever as a loser like me. I guess we all losers to God. Under my -scope like Inter-... Wynter, I hope it don't blow me away like a baby's placenta. Yo, it takes a lot of age... takes a lot of rage. Break a lot of stages, make a lot of dough, become a fucking sage. Either way, you grow. Either way, you know. No sense in the radio. You're not projecting your spirit, you're sexing and you hear it. Intersection of the spirit. Dead in your chest. Hennessy. Better believe. Rest In Peace in the MC Getting at me!
(hook)
I cannot hate this guy for all.
He's done all he's done for me.
I cannot hate this guy for all.
He's done all he's done for me.
I cannot hate this guy for all.
He's done all he's done for me.
I cannot hate this guy for all.
He's done all he's done for me.
^
^
...so mote it be.
EMERGENCY LEVELS OF LOW!!!
Wow. I posted 2 Columbine Gang entries on my Enter the Hamilton blog. Nerd shit, but a sight that I MUST SLOW DOWN. Actually, I should STOP.
I need to reload.
Bear with me, y'all.
“Don’t let me lose you…”
*drKiwi* became a way of anonymously addressing people in my life, without saying names and having people search for them online. In this situation, I won’t *drKiwi* you, but I won’t say your name.
To protect the sanctity of our friendship.
Dude is like StarChaser Enemy #1, with how devoted he’s been to me. He’s gone from distant supporter to damn near manager. His love and support means EVERYTHING to me. Some things he’s helped with, I can’t mention on the blog for administrative reasons. Dude is an angel.
We only disagree when it comes to the means of songwriting.
He wants me to write.
I’ve tried repeatedly to explain that not only do I make sense when I don’t write, but it’s better for my mental health. Though he respects that, he feels the world was a better place when I wrote. I recently wrote a project. Pentecost. He loved it! No complaints. But went so far as to say it was the best body of work I created in the last 5-6 years. I was almost offended, but I understand that my music, in general but specifically when unwritten, is an acquired taste.
I let it go, but I wrote this.
I ask that homie understand that I’m not trying to ignore requests, but I’m on some other shit. Eventually, I’m gonna stop putting music out. I may continue to blog, but my music is meant for healing. My newer music is meant for MY healing. I can’t claim to know how you feel if I’m wounded myself.
I see that being a StarChaser requires patience. Well, wherever you end up going (fan wise), know that I care about you and am thankful for your input. No one I know is on the path I’m on, including you. In fact, I’m grounded in what/who I am. I’ve never been more confident about it. I wish my confidence could exude in my music, but I’m too busy dancing to care.
I go stupid. Those that go stupid, know stupid.
And it’s all the pleasure in a moment’s time that once existed with writing. I literally made #Pentecost for the enjoyment of a written CH song. I shouldn’t have sent it to you, but you are the main catalyst for me writing. I wrote a song a day for this project. And it’s not just rap! StarChasers are in for a treat.
As for the StarChasers who love the unwritten/freestyle work? It gets no more raw than #CorporalPunishment. HOLDING the mic, in an Iowa basement, in front of ANOTHER longtime StarChaser and his family. I wanted to catch the slightly awkward family vibe, and I’m pretty sure I did that.
Back to you, my beloved StarChaser. I don’t think anything I say will ever convince you to accept the unwritten style. But I know the love is there. I just don’t want to write ONLY because of you. I was inspired to do it. You gotta let it happen.
You gotta let it happen.
^
^
Love you forever, Big Dog.
The Devil's Son
^
^
The concept of StHZERO was, I died in Harlem AS SONIC. Those who misunderstood my movement embodied Shadow the Hedgehog and murdered me. Just like the intro to Shadow's game.
Down To The Ground 0fficial lyrics.
I don't want to cheat. I don't even have the desire to. And... I know I caught a case for it, but you ain't got to worry about DV. I just want to make ya move...
Yup.
It's a music thing.
...make ya move!
2-step... you can sway to it...
(verse 1)
Pretend as if moving your hips don't benefit a nigga who been wishing to get with the thick chick in the room he's in... or the living room. The room I'm in, grooming me to be... greater than men, combined. Making my mind up is rather taboo when I have you. What can I do? Right back at you. Not trying to tap to figure out a doom, but I get it now!, the shit I'm about to do. Cool as a cucumber. Make it not strike a nerve. Strike a pose; you my lady in my life, and I'm doing it right.
(hook)
I don't want no beef with none of your friends.
I just want to be... more than just friends.
If we are one,
I need to know now.
Break it on down.
Down to the ground.
(verse 2)
Magic. Medicine. Ministry. Music. Let me in for the money! I get it then. I'm ahead of them, finding it kind of funny. Vibing and cruising. I really do it to the music that I've been providing. Living and maximizing my psy. That would surprise your eyes. Cymax while I make them climax. Know why I gotta get that back. I'mma get mine immediately. 'Cause I know what they bleeding to see. Speaking of me, I'm like a Pekingese reaching for your knees... "if I was bigger I'd reach it for me! Now it's time that she gets with me!"
(hook)
I don't want no beef with none of your friends.
I just want to be... more than just friends.
If we are one,
I need to know now.
Break it on down.
Down to the ground.
(verse 3)
Basically, I'm begging to be with she. Another lesson: treat them peacefully. The dogs of all sorts. Across golf course, we walk. Shitting, peeing, digging, seeing... if there's any other reason to begin this evening. Cats getting envious because they digging caskets for friendliness... "I don't need y' all!", what they say to me... Kind of crazy, how they need to crawl. Humble yourself to be seen as the royalty that I need. Until then, I'm a dog and a mutt. Pause. Walking and strutting. Not claiming! It's a dangerous situation! What a day it's been...
(hook)
I don't want no beef with none of your friends.
I just want to be... more than just friends.
If we are one,
I need to know now.
Break it on down.
Down to the ground.
Sincerely,
#CH
Jackie's Song
^
^
This album is a collection of songs that span the range of the #bipolarspectrum, IN THE NAME OF LOVE. In other words, instead of being a bugaboo and calling her every time I thought of her, I made a beat or made a song. And I did it at a relaxed pace.
I see that it's easier, this time around in Loveland. Not that *she's* easy, but... I'm transitioning in peace. It's long distance, and she's still in a bind with another (albeit abusive and controlling), but my inner peace is so that I do not undertake her problems as my own. I pray for her, and when the time is right, we'll talk about cohabitation. Until then, she is a fond memory I can always contact.
Just like The Bipolar Sunshine, one album is sampled. I do believe I told you the record I sampled, but you can dig on this blog to find out. This time, I sampled a movie soundtrack. The soundtrack came with soundbytes from the movie, AND THEN I went in and found some of my own. To all the diggers, SOMEONE was supposed to sample this album FIRST. Not only that, but it's shots to that someone from Tarantino himself. Let's just say, MY Jackie would appreciate me doing so.
Despite whatever distance.
Heart + Eye Candy
Such is why I've been reluctant to start a new relationship.
ESPECIALLY with her/you.
I knew going into this that sharing of me she would have to do with music and my career would be a problem. But she's A GREAT listener, and understands more than I can give her credit for. Thing is, I'm willing to give her credit. I want her to know that her input is valuable, and that I'm willing to listen. I just can't be groomed. She's not like that, though. I think she knows I know what I'm doing, I just maybe need a female's touch to remind me everything will be okay.
I can't get that from Dre and Leroy. lol
Some *drKiwi* who's been trying to get under my skin with bullshit allegations got back in touch with me. Rather, they're speaking to my inbox. I got nothing to say to them. And I have no interest in making this a street thing. So they're assed out. I'm just entertaining myself with their statements and screenshots that they INSIST on sending my way. lol I started to put a laughing emoji.
Today starts/started a 30-day fast for me. I only ate once, and drank MAD Gatorade. I'm sure the Gatorade is gonna catch up to me, but I walked around in The Sun and did leg-ups on the roof. Light exercise work, I know. I'm gonna turn it up. I just got a late start today, and knew that I had to cut back on eating snacks and fast food. So I did it. Pancakes and sausage held me down all day. I know I'm handsome, but back in 2012 I was BAD. I put on some pounds and my eczema flared up (over time), so it's hard to claim "bad". These are flaws that are notable. lol I was using the fact I'm "bad" as a bottom line for my lyrics, between 2012-2021.
Blame the incarceration.
Bad niggas don't make it out of jail. So I got a little ugly.
Hard to feel sexy when you're surrounded by men who have the full capability to rape you blind.
^
See? Bad!
Good night, StarChasers!
We'll talk soon, my someone.
-so mote it be
FreshOffThePresses
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