Pennies from the 13th floor

The landing can kill you.

Love is a word I use a lot.
Not an action I employ, especially for the kind of love I'm looking for.
Love is my motivator.
Love is notably an inspiration of mine.
Love is truthfully an aspiration of mine.

Love is unattainable for The Hamilton.

I proved I'm GOAT.
No conversation.
I strive for romantic perfection.
No bind.

Admittedly, I hurt the heart of a true ride or die chick.
True, in the sense of the street orientation that brought us together.
I dont understand her ways, she doesnt understand mine.
Wrong is wrong.
Love is love.

I turned away from submissive love, because I wasn't sure of the purity.
Cultural, perhaps.
But I threw caution to the wind and got clowned.
Early on.
Whatever came to pass was subsequential.

They keep saying dont look back.
Then they say if you dont learn from the past, you're doomed to repeat it.

The only common factor in each relationship is me.
So all I can do is look at me.
The faults I know I have, the faults I learned I have, and the faults I block to maintain a certain sense of rigid stability.

I snore.
A good enough reason to stay alone.
My hippie habits haven't fully died, so no, I'm not a consistent groomer.
A better reason to stay alone.
But with all this "stay alone" logistics, one can only wonder if the music would suffer.

Or if anyone would want to listen.

This is where I leave you.




#thehourglass









#captivating
#remarkable

Heated Mating Season

I have come to the realization (conclusion) that I am incompatible.
I snore.
I call exes.
I keep long, awkward hours.
I require volume.
I'm hypersensitive.
I'm toxic-masculine.

So I'm not looking for a girlfriend.
If I end up in a relationship, it'll be with someone familiar.

But I'm not as good in relationships as I want to be.

I snore.
I call exes.
I keep long, awkward hours.
I require volume.
I'm hypersensitive.
I'm toxic-masculine.

I want my recluse to make me seem selfish, in the eyes of the loving.
I am very loving.
Also very caring and kind.
But I don't act my worth, wealth or wage.

I dont act.

I can say that my demeanor hardened in recent years.
And street politics has made me more paranoid.
But I am a lover and a gentleman.

I'm also a 6.

Not a Crip.
Also not Blood.

I am a Gothic High Priest.
On levels seen and understood and otherwise.

Also, I snore.
I call exes.
I keep long, awkward hours.
I require volume.
I'm hypersensitive.
I'm toxic-masculine.

#captivating 

Silent ruckus

Closing Time or Sex and Candy?
Both have great stories as to how they were written.
I haven't heard either high yet.

So yesterday, I had my mojo for about 7 hours.
I thought I would've been able to... like, how do I say this?
I thought I could make someone mine.
Long story short, things are staying professional.
I somewhat dont mind.
I think we both are aware of how dangerous us being an item would be.

For the first time, I can see desire withheld in the eyes of a woman.
Usually, I have to win a she over with like charm or something
I never get embraced for my looks.
I think she finds me attractive, and I tell her all the time that shes muy bonita, but... it could be more with us.

Or, nothing but a creative relationship between two people with several mutual friends.

I did say this to her:
The hour glass is running thin on love, in my world

I had a bad experience with white girls, black girls are demanding, it's hard to trust Latin girls, Arab girls are as bad as black girls (with a cultural and lingual divide), I haven't dated an Asian girl (and they ignore me when I try to holla)...
As i said, I'm not interested in being gay...
Caribbean girls (the oxtail of my eye) are hard to come across, impress and keep...

I'll just stick to going for money and watching porn.

Music is always the only love.
However, I found a way to integrate music with photography and videography.
At the same time, my creative vision is too left (go figure) for the average consumer.
I might just get a camera and make my own art.
At this point, I'm relying on disability checks I haven't been approved for.
Streaming money is bipolar.
Last week, I made $.39.
39 cents, my g.

I dont know who to blame.

So yeah.
I'll probably make album covers for folks.

I'm in my early 30s.
I dont have time for fucking around.
I also dont have the resources available to me to start a family.
But I'm horny, lonely, and in need of moral support from someone who sees me as a piece of meat.

Which would make me feel the right kind of weird about myself.

I won't be going to The 40/40 Club anymore.
They dont like me, I dont like them.

I found some dope records recently.
I'm gonna spend some time messing around with them.
See what I come up with.

Also, I do indeed have my own drum kit.
Im not sure if I'm gonna sell it yet, but its dope.

Back to the lab.

#captivating 

E40's shorty

The title is so esoteric, I'm not surprised you don't get it.

I went to Guitar Center and acted a fool.
I got a chance to cut up on the decks!
Feels good! (Dilla voice)
A good Pioneer deck is $1k.
The mini decks are less expensive, but VERY loose.
I like a good grip on my wheels.

I had the staff DYING with how I cut up Mustard joints.
He's a biter, too.

Anyway, I fell in love with William's keyboards today.
Great feel, sound and variety.
I wasn't crazy about MIDI keyboards when they came out, so the USB plug-and-plays brought me to the present day.

HAD A BLAST.

Went there with Enjetic (Danny).

The Sam Ash jam sessions with VSDiamond are behind me.
We had fun, but we're very far apart.
Still happy for her.

You might be asking what's up with Valera (she has a jersey now; most of my exes do).
Nothing but love, but the wisest decision is to move on.
She has a son to raise and a helluva time doing so.
I'm liability dick in her life.

Today, I'm making the dreaded trek into NYC.
You'll know me when you see me.
Could this be the beginning of something real?
Could discipline make me one of the best yet?

This and other pressing questions, next time on The Adventures of Pac Ham.

#captivating 

The uncoolest.

Now is not the time for good humor.

#captivating 

Cori's story

From 6th-8th grade, I had a recurring dream about having a girlfriend.
Her name was Cori.
Literally every night or every other night, Cori and I would go from 124th and Broadway to the movie theater on 84th and Broadway.

And we were in looooooove.

I was super clingy, and she was super clingy too.
We would chase each other down the block, toss candy corn in each other's mouths, innocently make out...

Every night was Heaven.

I dont know why the dreams stopped.

I feel horrible about the way I treated Gaby.
I was in 8th, she was in 7th.
She was the only girl that gave me attention in Ascension school.

I was soooooo crazy about Connie.
Candice was my EminemSoulmate.
Gertsina was a big girl, but she was the vibe I was digging.

Yet nothing was better than my adolescent masturbation to Hot 97 (after 9pm) and dreaming about Cori.

Whether Cori exists or not remains to be seen.
But I have never met a girl like her.

Maybe Yams Lilion.
The girl I created through imagination when Beyonce and J Dilla hooked up and left me on Earth.

I might've misspelled her name.

Still, I actually have a dreamgirl.

Feel free to call me a loser.

Shit.

I did.

#remarkable

Trigger happy

I went from anxiety to fear to anger within the last 20 minutes.
My body is weary.
I laid down in Mike's bed, with his permission before he left to go to work.
CYoung is here.
I haven't really had much sleep, and I've been ... manic with my output of music as of late.
I also have been sleeping on a hardwood floor, on top of a hole-popped, deflated airbed.
To be laying in a bed, pause on it being Mike's, is a true luxury.

As I laid in a purgatory-esque, between sleep and awake state, I felt a small penetration in my anus.
I heard nothing.
I saw nothing.
All I know is I, as of this morning, told CYoung i don't trust The Weeknd (of whom he's going to be working with soon).
He snapped at me, then said it's no big deal.

My issues with sleep-driven rape are well-documented.
With reference to a very real factor in life.
Not my past.
I cannot accuse Chris of raping me, the way I cant accuse Usher of cutting off my Sonic fin.

I am a HUGE Incubus fan, but I know my sense of touch.
An incubus is a demon that has sex with you in your sleep.
Incubus is from California.
The place you find Hollywood.

If you California niggas, including Dr. Dre, think sexual violation in one's sleep is a cool trend, you are starting some beaurocratic bullshit that no one can call a ceasefire for.

Many of my friends have complained about strange practices since they perused their dreams in thesbianism.
I am not influential in their lives enough to make that much of a difference for them to try to bond with me that way.
I hardly speak, for Christ's sake.

I threaten no one.
I can only promise that I will one day sleep well, knowing that I can.
Sleep well, that is...

I am now paranoid, angry (at myself for trusting, at the prick I felt,and YOU for making this a joke), hurt, confused and, yes, suicidal.

But maybe my suicidal rage is something less self-damaging.
Maybe i know you pussies would never give me a fair fight.
You're already counting me out.
You think I'm weak.

Your doubt affects your reality.

And I literally just stopped doubting I wont be raped again.

In fact, I'm doubting I'll be raped again.

Better still, I strongly doubt CYoung would rape me.
He's straight, he's got a bright so future ahead of him, he's tough, and he's a good natured fellow.

I'm tired of wishing people would love me the way I love them.
And I'm not gonna TAKE love anymore.
It is what its gonna be.

Prove me wrong,and all obsessions will be fulfilled.

Every obsession.




Fuck the slice.
Want the pie.

I dont have to ask why.
I'll just wait.

#captivating 

Unbeknownst To You, Plantano Master

"Yerrr! Hey Sega fam, whats the deal how you feel, I go by Bri-Real aka DJ Platano Shwagg aka Lightskin Oprah! Lol. To give yall a little background about myself, I'm a music producer/engineer of 8 years and former DJ, recently turned artist from the DC area. I met C-Ham aka Mr. Hamilton aka The Musical Messiah pretty randomly this past summer in July. On a whim, I decided to check out this open mic event that happens every month in DC that I've been hearing about for a while at this dope spot called Smith Public Trust, hosted by a talented musician named MarQ Soul and his band The Mercy Band. Marq suggested I come check out his event sometime so I finally did. When I get to the spot, I actually see Charles outside of the venue kind of shuffling around lol. I had to do a double take and I was like "Yo that looks like Charles Hamilton. Is that Charles Hamilton?" Then I said to myself "Nah im buggin" and went inside. Fast forward I went and performed one of my songs called 'Born 2 Win,' vibed some more to the other performers, then all of a sudden Marq introduced the next artist to the stage and low & behold, it was Charles Hamilton. My coochie suddenly exploded. I was like "Oh snap that was him!" C-Ham goes up and performs and I turn into a super groupie for 2.5 seconds and instantly get transported back to highschool. I've always been a fan of C-Ham as an artist of course, his freestyle skills (one of the best on this planet), & even more so as a producer. I've always respected him for being an artist who also produces his own music. My top producers & musical influences growing up has always been; The Neptunes, Timbaland & Missy, Ryan Leslie, The-Dream, & M.I.A/Diplo, so seeing another artist who also produces his own music was automatically a win in my book. The Pink Lava Lamp is definitely one of my favorite projects from C-Ham and is low key an underground internet classic. My absolute favorite song off The Pinklava Lamp has always been "Shes So High". That song is perfect to me, my ultimate favorite. Another favorite is also Satellite. So anyway, C-Ham finishes performing and after he performs, I see him standing at the bar near where I was standing, both of us two stepping to the music, and then we kind of locked eyes and started diddy boppin towards each other lmao (it was mad cute). We chopped it up for a bit, showing love to each others music and discussing what we're working on present day as well as what we want to do in the future creatively. He wanted me to get his info from his manz but they dipped out & I ended up messaging him on Twitter after the fact. Fast forward to now and I'm somehow mastering "Unbeknownst To You". Now the process of mastering this album has been super dope! The unorthodox sound & feel of the album in general; the mix, how he recorded it, and the sound is eccentric and classic Hamilton. It's Hip-Hop, Alternative, Rock, R&B, and so much more in one. He wanted to make sure this album had that knock and that's what I always aim do with my mixing & mastering, provide that knock! Even with the distortion in most of the songs like Long Distance Curtain Call, Meet The Omen or Desert Blowfish, I still wanted to bring that knock to every track. Every song on this album is fire to me, but if I had to chose favorites it might have to be; Butterfinger most definitely with that Janet sample and how dope Charles flipped that, both Two Point Hospital and Terms of Use have a dope bounce and both songs have been stuck in my head specifically the choruses. I most definitely love the alternative feel on Desert Blowfish forsure. New Music Mondays has also been stuck in my head too. The beat and bars on Introducing...Minions! is crazyyyyy and mad dope to me too, definitely a favorite. The process of mastering 'Unbeknownst To You' has been a blessing and I hope to continue to work with C-Ham in the future. I think both of our unique styles, approach to music, and creativity work well together. Peace & Love Sega fam 🚀💖 Stalk me on social media yall @brirealmusic & @djplatanoshwagg."
.
.
.
We didn't take a picture.
Expect the rerelease soon.
.
.
.

#captivating 

Post VDay relaydelay

CYoung took me to see it.
I was blessed by it.
Truly an awesome film.
My Sonic theology is justified and verified by it.

As much as I am of the mind to rant and rave about the movie and how right I am, I am of a different demeanor.
I dont want to talk anymore.
Or be seen.
Honestly, not even heard.
My piano album, Just Charles, is dropping soon, but... I just need to get disability and lay low.
I've said a lot.
Ive done a lot
It's not about the attention I dont get, need or feel I deserve.
I'm on a whole different mode.

If you like my music, I feel you.
I know why the haters hate.
I know why the females ignore.
I know why family marginalizes.
I know why I have such few friends.
I'm not interested in being gay.
I'm too shy to be a player.
At this point, all I can do is treat myself better.

My production is one of a kind.
From as far back as my early Yamaha PSR-225 beats
No one can rap better than me.
Including and especially Griselda

The above, my reply to Westside Gunn's IG post.

Said, acknowledging their talent(s) and success.

Moving on.

Literally all I can do is be good to myself.
Whenever I interact with someone, just be kind.
Kindness doesnt require a sacrifice, unless it is retaliation for the person being an asshole.
And that's kinda what the situation has been.
Everyone has been a prick to me since... I'll be fair and said '99.
Eminem, through music, was my best friend.
Dr. Dre, through music, was my piano teacher.
Jimmy Iovine, through Em and Dre, was my therapist.
I was in NYC when 50 Cent dropped "How To Rob".
I was a fan.
I think he got super gangsta and I found that to be a proverbial turn off.

Ah!
People started being dicks to me immediately after Curtis Mayfield died.

Actually, nah.

I moved to NYC at age 5

From about 6-now, everyone has been a dick.
Dont ask for individual proprieties.
You all.

The nicest people to me have been my StarChasers, and I'm guilty of mistreating them because their love was too new to me.
Yet it was just what I was searching for.

In that sens... nah, lemme not say that.

Lmao

I'm gonna take better care of myself.
Obviously shower more, I already cook for myself...

Wait.

Who is to judge whether I'm taking care of myself?!

Lol yall niggas got it twisted.

I am rather Sabu with music, but my only flaw is my tooth.
Cigar smoke.

Aight (lol), lemme close this entry.

Bless those who read, watch and listen (the most important factor of Hamilton Media).

Lmao ahw man...





#captivating
#remarkable

VDay, StH and CH.

Shortly will be Valentine's Day.
Also the release of The Sonic Movie.
Though I have no plans on seeing the movie (low funds, high anxiety, etc ), I recorded an album about my wonder of Sonic.

Sonic is red, white and blue.
Like The United States of America.
And The United Kingdom.
Some can say that his attitude comes from somewhat being a light-skinned nigga.
The movie made his arms blue, but traditionally, his arms, belly and legs are tan.

White gloves.
White socks.
Green eyes.

What could this all mean?
Have Sonic and CH agreed to disagree about the policies of The US (which affect the world at large)?

Check it out.

StH: American Paradox

Also, check this out.

An Ugly Representation of Bad

Self-assurance packaged as... the constant need for assurance.




Enjoy.

Happy VDay.

#captivating 

Various artists.

Valentine's Day is overrated to those who've experienced love and don't have it anymore.
I literally caught myself about to say it.
I dont know what's going on with Isa Valera.
VSDiamond has access to love everywhere.
Baddie (Tanea) is going on dates with someone else.

At the end of the day, me being selfish and cowardice is why VDay will be spent with music.
I cant bring myself to watch The Sonic Movie.
I cant and won't front, there is a bit of bitterness.
I sacrificed sanity and comfort to pursue the belief in SEGA being an alien unit.
I haven't even been to the city to see the Sonic memorabilia.
I am proud of SEGA.
Happy for Sonic.
I still have bills to pay and to keep a roof over my head.
Not to mention the other unspoken tasks I have to take care of.

It seems like everything is pulling me away from music.
3rd Eye Magic (me and Chris) are talking to some labels.
I solo am talking to some labels.
As far ahead of my time and RIGHT ON TIME as I am, the perceived demand is for excess and lust.

Yo.
Book me a session at Electric Lady and bring some desperate housewives.
It will be hyperlit.

I smoke a lot.
Starting with cigs, loving weed and lusting Backwoods.
Smoking is a coping mechanism.
I'd rather do it alone, as much as I'd rather smoke with like-minded people.
I understand me.

And this Valentine's Day, I will have 24 hours to do so.

I think, in the name of love, I'll just produce all day.
If I record, it's from a Love TKO.

Happy Valentine's Day, Simone.

If I'm The Gothic Redd Foxx, you're DEFINITELY Elizabeth.

(dies from comedic heart attack)

#captivating

Hippie blood

Sweet with love.
Sour from fear.

I'd rather make money than get money.
Making money comes with pride.
Not arrogance.
You can be proud of yourself for money you've made.
Getting money is more militant, and doesnt translate into happiness.

I need dental work and a bed.

This ominous glow of "have you heard..." is everywhere.
I miss "talking in circles".
The people who feel I do are stupid and/or are unable to follow.
I am not a teacher (yet).
The burden of your knowledge is not on my hands.
Especially since you already know.

Rather Magneto, this morning...




Bully.

#captivating

Lithium Soul

The essence of Vampire Music/Nu-Hop.
My music looks like Raven from Teen Titans Go!.
I think she is beautiful.
She might be the strongest one, if her insecurity doesn't do her in.

My adoration turned into self-reflection.

My narcissism, as noted by my mother and uncle, is becoming more present.

But to all those who call me narcissistic, how would you like me to behave?

I might make adjustments based on your reccomendation.

I finally felt the gate open today.
I felt th... nevermind.
I dont want a drug-related crime on my legal and social rap sheet.

Steak quesadillas from Taco Bell!

Re-mark-a-ble!

Destined for madness.

Practicing Scholasticism (click here)

The alphabet, as sang by Isa Valera.

Or Tori Amos.

#captivating 

Awkward Black History

It has been said that DJ Premier taught Alchemist how to make beats.
The role of the student is to exceed the teacher.
Last night, Alchemist DJ'd for Eminem at The Oscars.

I dont know for sure.
I wasn't there.

He just posted a pic on IG.

But dont hate on Alchemist because he's white, DJ'd for the greatest white rapper of all time and did it at The Oscars.
Acknowledge the reach of hip-hop.
It connected two White boys from totally different class groups and states altogether.

BEFORE The Internet.

Unless hip-hop is a chemical agent's byproduct, put in place during the crack epidemic in the 80s.

You cant be too sure these days.



-so mote it be

VoodooVibeLounge_VVL_New goal

^

^
^
{now available online}

So I have a new goal in mind.
Open a (my own) lounge in Alphabet City, NYC.
Named VoodoVibeLounge.
VVL, as it's to be known as in the streets.
I plan to DJ there OFTEN if not every night.
Open from 7:30pm-4am.
Dropping exclusives and rarities.
Of both my own music and in my collection.
Zebraprint ottomans.
Black and white tye-dye fixtures.
Black and white lavalamps.
Black and white (race and attire) Zombie Waitresses.
Frankenstein bartenders.
Smoking section (cigs).
Private rooms for 3 (required) for 30 minutes, $50 an hour.
Spoken word open mic, every Wednesday.
Jam session (open stage) every Saturday night.
Punany Poets, the last Friday of the month.

Send the vibes out there.
I have what it takes to carry this out.
If only you believe...

#remarkable

Towerful memories

When the offspring is facing Empty Nest Syndrome.

My dad suffered a heart attack recently.
I now have to come to terms with the fact I may lose both parents soon.
My dad sorta rules the world.
High level, Secret Society type shit.
If he passes, I accept responsibility.
If I have kids, they become worshipped.

But shit!
He's my dad!

I also was in existence since before 11/10/1987.
With three others.
One of these others had a birthday in the last 36 hours.
The other has a daughter.
The final has a son and a blossoming career (of which I know more about than he thinks I does).

But shit!
He's my dad!

I want The Browns to win just ONE Super Bowl before my dad passes.
Or at least for my dad to meet Jim Brown.

What good is the world when you've sacrificed your happiness for it?

My dad and I have a rough relationship.
We are also both extremely intelligent.
We one-up each other all the time.
My brother and I speak, but not as often as I'd like.
We're very close regardless.

But man.
What am I gonna do about my dad?
What am I gonna do without my dad?

I'm definitely in a funk today.

6ixz 4ever.



#captivating

Application Under Review

Eminem.

A major part of my development growing up.
No homo.

The Shadys have embraced me.
Detroit and I made peace.
Paul follows me on Twitter.
Griselda album dead the best shit ever.
Obie (and Jean Grae) kept me going in late 2009.

But is Eminem a Gothic Apprentice?

Em is more gangsta than tolerable.
It is possible that his homophobia is a product of his enviroment.
But with a gay man running for president, is it possible that Eminem has heightened ESP?

I like to believe that Eminem has spidey senses.

I've been dragged by the Gay Media Police for saying that the physical discomfort I felt when I was sexually assault led to confusion as to how a man would want to experience such as a lifestyle.
Then I moved to Harlem, where you get called a faggot for talking proper.
Then I learned what such action actually is.

Is homosexuality a form of population control?

Do lesbians deserve chivalry?
Can gay (gaay) men take responsibilty?

Find out next time on The Adventures of Pac Ham.


See ya soon, Slim.



#captivating
#remarkable

Columbine Gang Welcomes

Issa Rae.

I feel her je ne se quoi is being exploited by homo-erotic Caucasian men.

And Black people dont make fun of her because shes on TV.



The makings of a perfect Columbine Gang Insurgent (CGi).













#remarkable